Hi dont know how to start, its been a while since i'm writing to some one, lol, any ways let me be honest, you have written sooo beautifully that i'm sooo impressed, soo honest, i'm not going to praise you that you are sooo beautiful blah blah that you know already and i'm sure been told plenty of time, and may be every day. Presently i'm living with my parents and looking for a house to move in, its been only 6 months since i'm here, in a couple of months i'm moving out.I looked at your profile couldnt able to stop my self to take out time from work and write you a letter, i'm gonna call this a letter its not a message lol, i really like you as a person not that you are beautiful but i dont know i like you, i've been blessed with every thing, but not every thing, its a saying, god never makes every one complete, with me i've never been blessed with a woman in my life, may be i'm too sincere and girls like bad guys, no seriously all the good looking girls in my school used to date really bad guys knowingly that those are bad guys still, and ive been told always that neil you are a really nice guy but i like him or that person, lol, sooo thats a part of my story
Its my humble request, if you could honor me with your friendship, i assure you i will leave no stone unturned to give you all the care and attention what is required in a friendship. I really dont know how to write to a girl but i tried my best to explain. If you dont like what i wrote please forgive and i apologize in advance and if you think i deserve your friendship, please do reply me, i'll be anxiously waiting for your reply!"
Thank you,
Neil
This email is so sad and heinous that disecting what is wrong with it is sort of like trying to to explain what is wrong with Sarah Palin--and no one has time for that. But here's some advice for online romeos trying to compose some introductory bate: if you have to "apologize in advance" for what you are saying, you shouldn't say it. Also sounding like you wrote an email with one hand down your pants is about as appealing as actually seeing you do it.
This post is epic. It makes me want to send you an email that a - wait for it - security guard from a friends building sent me. He asked me for my contact info one day when I was 'signing in' to the building as a visitor. I gave him my blogger email address (since my name isn't in that email and I thought it was a little sketchy that the building would need my email) and it turns out he read my pieces and contacted me to profess his love.
ReplyDeleteGuys who want to blindly contact a girl: Send a short message saying you noticed their profile/blog/etc., love their stuff and would love to chat. If she's interested, she'll write back, I promise you. Safe yourself (and her) the embarassment of what's indicated above. Copy?
"This email is so sad and heinous that disecting what is wrong with it is sort of like trying to to explain what is wrong with Sarah Palin"
ReplyDeleteThat has to be the best comparison I have ever seen. Ever.
And this message? Is perfect. I especially enjoy his use of a million commas and not one period.
He really needs a confidence boost, a life rearrangement, and some dating courses or something. And not in that particular order either :P
ReplyDeleteJenny Jen, you complete me! And yes you should sen the email to me. Unlike other east side residents in New York, I always find door men slightly creepy. I am kinda shocked there hasn't been a thrill starring Megan Fox centred around an NYC womn that is stalked by the guardian to her building. Thanks for posting.
ReplyDeleteAnd Cassie, I am SO glad you are entertained! And yesthe bloke needs a d*mn gramamr class. I wish that was his biggest problem.
Will definitely send that email your way. Along with the follow up email he sent (I never responded to the first one, why are you sending a second one?) I can also send his request for me to join the Facebook Network. I'm a blogger, you think I don't have Facebook? You can't see my profile because my real email doesn't coincide with my blogger email. Sigh.
ReplyDeleteI CANT EVEN - when it come to dating I think that social media can empower the wrong people. One of my favorites is when you dont respond to someone on one social media channel so they try another (just in case you didnt get their Facebook chat and text) they decide to tweet you and send you a Linked In request...dear lord, stalkers are redefined in 2010. :)
ReplyDeleteOh. My. Gosh. This is right on par with some of the crap I get from my online dating sites. It's sad really. I actually discussed this whole "bad grammar + dating websites" thing with my cousin over my 4th glass of red wine at Thanksgiving and got rather heated about this topic. Bad grammar is a TOTAL turnoff. People don't realize how uneducated they sound! It drives me NUTS. Be on the lookout for more of these types of shenanigans on my blog as well Jewels! I've been stock-piling them recently and haven't had time to post but I will soon! :)
ReplyDeleteOh hot mess, how I love thee!
ReplyDeleteEven celebs fuck up their techromance, remember Tiger Woods? "I will were you out" FAIL!
Don't know what made me cringe worse. Reading that email, or watching Bristol Palin try and fox trot on DWTS. Jewels allow me to paraphrase for Neil: "Um excuse me I think you're really hot and was wondering if you wouldn't mind coming over and fucking me in my basement while my parents sit on a couch upstairs watching Wheel of Fortune and eating Jiffy Pop."
ReplyDeleteNow despite the grammatical errors, less then noble intentions, and the shirtless profile pic taken with a web cam, I am actually somewhat sympathetic to this guy. The combination of his social ineptitude coupled with his total lack of game when it comes to digital flirting is almost endearing. He commits every sin in the dating bible, either because he really is that detached, or because he's trying to differentiate himself. Assuming its the former and not the latter, I can't help but feel bad for him. Now I don't consider myself an idealist. I am as irreverent when it comes to dating as any typical New Yorker. But I still haven't become so desensitized that I can't appreciate someone who's willing to go against the grain and rely on bluntness and honesty. Even if it is ultimately pretty sad and pathetic. Most of the NYC dating landscape is predicated on a underlying social heirachy. And with that comes a need to seem as hip and trendy as possible. I applaud the guy for no other reason than his total lack of contrived charm and sophistication.
I totally agree about NYC dating! I feel like there is a common techromance language among educated twenty and thirtysomething guys that revolves around trying to sound simultaneously witty and detached. I definitely appreciate a guy that can break from the pack, but in this one should be left in the pound.
ReplyDeleteI think I counted three periods in his message. I wanted to poke my eyes out after the second paragraph. Wow.
ReplyDeleteI love the part where tells her he isn't going to tell her she's beautiful but then proceeds to do so anyways.
ReplyDeleteI want to cover my head in shame and bury it for him. My god.
ReplyDelete