Monday, March 8, 2010

The Porn Ultimatum: What is Normal When It Comes to Your BFs Internet Porn Habit?

After I wrote the post about finding porn on your boyfriend's computer two of my guy friends asked the question, "was it just normal stuff?" Even though I read on SFGate that 70% of men 18-34 have been to an internet porn site in the past month, I didn't know how to answer their question. I said "you tell me what is and isn't normal when it comes to internet porn." And with their "hard-on" their sleeves they did just that, curating a list of 100 porn sites frequented by heterosexual males. Number one being don't worry about it and 100 being run for the hills lady and who the eff cares that your Netflix gets delivered to his apartment.

Before you do embark on the reading of this list please know that I would start getting nervous in the teens. Oh and my favorite is #98. Also and obviously all of the sites called out by the guys include willing and over age participants.

1) One girl, stripping
2) One girl, masturbating
3) Those loveable lesbians
4) Your basic boring, somewhat noiseless, Puritan-style propagate-the-species sex
5) Celeb sex tapes
6) Fake celeb sex tapes
7) If he's fixated on one particular actress — that's almost kind of sweet
8) Anything with zero live audio and "classy" music that's actually borderline haunting and potentially composed by John Tesh
9) High school fantasies involving teachers getting it on with cheerleaders and really teaching those girls a lesson
10) Videos ending in money shots...good luck finding one that doesn't
11) Butt-sex (used to be taboo, now it's just the new black)
12) Three or more of those loveable lesbians
13) Sex in the kitchen (especially by the buttered rolls)
14) College professors f*cking girls hoping to improve their grades
15) College professors f*cking girls who don't even appear to be students, and just want to get effed by college professors for no particular reason, except that maybe they have tenure, which actually, is completely sexy
16) Amateurs. Do you watch Single-A baseball? Exactly.
17) A decided fixation on sprawling, Miracle Gro'd, 70s-style bush
18) A decided fixation on vaginas that would actually look better concealed by sprawling, Miracle Gro'd, 70s-style bush
19) Anything where the dude is holding the camcorder, asks an over-age girl how old she is and eases her nervousness by saying really sweet things like that she has "awesome t*ts"
20) Anything where the male character is a "businessman" in a ill-fitting wardrobe suit with a prop printer using the paper with the holes on the sides in the background
21) Anything where there's a 30+ year age gap between any two participants; he either wants to bang your daughter, or your mother
22) POV (in theory, should be lower, as you don't see a lot of dude; not that low, however, because you see a lot of DUDE)
23) Any predilection towards the series of videos with mega-a**ed chicks who're heavily greased up (very distinctive, you’ll know when you see)
24) Getting off on the idea that the visibly used-up girl who has decidedly aggressive sex six times a day for a living is actually a "virgin"
25) Any video whose description/proceedings go out of their way to point out that the girl is drunk
26) Anything where the man is freakishly more acrobatic than the woman
27) Films where the chick's not even remotely into it
28) Films where the dude's not even remotely into it
29) Films where no one's into it
30) Films where the dude/chick aren't as remotely into it as the girl "secretly" watching through a pretty wide-open door as she shoves her hand down her pants
31) High school fantasies involving janitors getting it on with cheerleaders and really teaching those girls a lesson
32) Videos featuring "18 year olds" who’re clearly 30
33) Videos featuring "18 year olds" who actually might be
34) Straight-up, nothin' but, get-right-down-to it tittie f*ckin’
35) Anything edible entering holes
36) Lesbians employing devices likely started via ripcord
37) Japanese hentai: the dude clearly hasn't gotten over his crush on Princess Jasmine
38) Clown porn: it exists, sometimes with chickens
39) Anything featuring totally ripped, universally good-looking dudes
40) Videos of money shot compilations
41) Footjobs: an uniqiely impressive skill to be sure, and that's preciesly what make them so frightening
42) Tugjobs, especially the slappier ones
43) He's only visiting sites that flaunt their “exclusivity”, like In the VIP...which should totally stand for Very Important P*ssy!
44) Sex that takes place in any motorized vehicle preceded by "Bang"
45) Operations built around an old guy who has younger, fitter dudes come around to bang chicks with him
46) Operations built around an old guy who has younger, fitter dudes come around to bang chicks without him
47) Anything involving “frat guys” boning “sorority sluts”. If he's fantasizing about nailing hot a**, no worries; if he's fantasizing about going back to college, worries.
48) Where the theme is adultery – ominous, and a bit too meta
49) The curious presence of uncircumcised penis
50) Anything where nothing is shown except zoomed-in penetration -- or, worse, almost-zoomed in, bringing into focus the male's thrusting, slightly open buttocks
51) Films where the male star portrays a mentally disabled person, and greets the initial bl*wj*b phase with terrified incomprehension, but later effortlessly achieves accomplished positions and holds out for, like, 25:33 before having what's ostensibly the first man-gasm of his life
52) Wherein a gynecologist begins an exam very professionally, only to ask a totally unsexy question that nonetheless convinces the woman that maybe it is okay to receive fellatio from the one man in the world you trust most to not give you fellatio
53) The ones where the girl pretends to be asleep while being ferociously pistoned
54) 20-minute bl*wj*b vids. Too much wang, and eventually you're like, “What about her needs?”
55) Are downward-bending penises normal?
56) A predilection for deepthroat specialists – could indicate he doesn't appreciate your own talents, or the vagina in general
57) Cups, saucers, or plates full of man-juice
58) Films where the dude's so skinny he looks like he just walked out of a 1990s Eastern European refugee camp
59) High school fantasies involving multiple football players getting it on with a cheerleader; high school dudes are simply not all about standing around the locker room stroking themselves while waiting for the chance to put their penises really, really close to other penises
60) The Paris Hilton thing – smut has a shelf-life, obsession does not
61) The Ray Ray thing – smut has a shelf-life, obsession does not
62) A**-to-mouth
63) Glory Hole
64) Male strippers and a roomful of homely women
65) Forearm-c*ck: the girl can't possibly be enjoying it, and your boyfriend can't possibly be enjoying watching a dude who, literally, has a forearm for a cock
66) Impossibly large synthetic penises when male is not available
67) Impossibly large synthetic penises when male is available
68) Penises that fall below the industry norm, but pretend otherwise
69!) The magic of squirting
70) The man goes straight to the ass, without stopping at the Vajay.
71) Daddy's friend videos. If you're going to fantasize about f*cking your friend's daughter, watch Blame it on Rio. Is it the anti-Alfie? Alfie in middle age? Who knows -- all that's certain is that Michael Caine has never been better.
72) Where the dude's painted white and laid out in the morgue, then reanimates for undead sex
73) Anything with that dude who looks like a cro-magnon Fabio
74) Any fixation on women who are of an ethnicity or nationality that you are not
75) Any fixation on men who are of an ethnicity or nationality that he is not
76) Anything where the women are obviously wacked out on uppers, downers, or anything ending in -ers. Or anything ending in -ines. Or -ack.
77) Fat chicks! Just kidding. That's actually fine.
78) Really, really old chicks. That's actually never fine.
79) Videos where's he's clearly confusing the mouth for the vagina
80) No matter what she does, or how much she seems to be enjoying herself, the dude never even comes close to having a boner
81) If he's fixated on one particular actor. Especially if the actor looks like Flea, and has tattoos of flames going down his forearm
82) Nuns, priests, or nuns and priests
83) Webcams: no matter how absurd it sounds, his goal is to date her at some point
84) Strangulation, or anything where the a** slapping is a little too vigorous
85) Mike in Brazil
86) So this guy's actually homeless, and if he can get it up in front of the audience, he sleeps with the porn star, but if he can't, she sleeps with him...
87) He puts himself in a position to have his anus fingered. No matter how many times it happens, a man should always be surprised to have his anus fingered.
88) Anything where the girl might actually be asleep while being pistoned
89) Cartoons (Family Guy, Simpsons, etc) where, say, a jacked Chris hammers a massively boobed Meg. For instance.
90) SimsSex. (Simsex?)
91) It's always two guys, one girl, never the other way around
92) Gay sex, no girls present (not that there's anything wrong with that) (other than that he's dating you)
93) Poop, etc
94) Japanese women & sea creatures
95) The porn's just sitting there open, waiting for you to find it
96) He's actually in the porn...
97) ...and he's way more into it than he is with you
98) Nothing but 30-second clips – it means he's too stupid to find the free 5-30 minute clips, and will never be able to provide for you financially
99) Anything accessed via paid membership
100) No porn at all


As for what to do when his defense is that his friend IMed it to him, well that is going to have to be another post.

4 comments:

  1. This is amazing

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  2. As hard as it is to imagine Jewels you left a few out, the most critical of which is "if he has a lot of scenes of one particular actress who ironically closely resembles a good friend of yours. That's not a coincidence."

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  3. In fairness to all the guys out there who are avid porn watchers (which is a bit redundant) what you have to realize (and sadly I've had to explain this to more than one girlfriend) is that many times links will re-direct you to sites that you had no intention of visiting. This internet open makes you seem like a bigger scumbag than you actually are. So unless its a recurring theme, ladies give your man the benefit of the doubt. At least until he starts suggesting a threesome with a girl that you can conveniently find on Craigslist.

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  4. Just going back and reading these comments and kind of peeing in my pants about it...speaking of, why isn't that on the list?

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