Sunday, January 23, 2011

Has Online Dating Affected Our Offline Game?

Posted by Alan Danzis

Most people that have met me more than a few times refuse to believe me when I tell them I'm a really shy person. Sure, I did musicals as a kid (yes, I admit, I have copies of them all). I do new business all the time. And I go on a lot of online dates. None of those things scare me--after the first ten seconds of course (I'm only human). I didn't go on my first date until I was quite a bit older than most people--don't worry, I was still in my teens. I also didn't have a girlfriend until much later either. It was because I was really afraid to approach girls--like deathly afraid. And I still am.

Online dating is easy. I didn't have it back then. But clearly, we all do now. You blindly email someone who looks cute. If she responds, awesome. If not, who cares. You completely forgot she existed anyway, because there's like 100 more for you to email...

Approaching a girl in a bar is different. You WILL remember that rejection. It'll fade over time--most will--but in that moment, you're still terrified of it.So this year, I did a New Year's resolution. Here's the rules:

If I am in a bar...

And I'm not on a date...

And I see a group of at least two girls...

Without any guys around them that might be boyfriends...

I must approach them at least one potential scenario a night--so after I've met my obligation, I don't have to "play" the rest of the night if I don't want to. Since New Year's Day, I've "played" my resolution four times. I'm not going to go into the particulars of how I did, or even if I've gone out on actual dates with any of the girls, but here's what I learned: all of the conversations lasted at least ten minutes. Whether they stopped because I got bored or they did--that's irrelevant. Clearly, people do want to talk to other people in a bar if they're just there with one or two friends.

Having a line helps, but it doesn't have to be an original one. On my second approach, which took place on New Year's day night, I spotted three girls at a bar, sitting down, while I was out with a few of my friends. They seemed pretty into their conversation, so I didn't feel comfortable just going up and talking to the one I liked. So, I called the bartender over, and sent down one beer to JUST the girl I liked. When she got it, and the bartender told her it was from me, she smiled and I smiled back. I waited about three minutes before I walked down to talk to her. My line? "I was going to come over sooner, but honestly, my friends all had terrible lines for me to use." Throwing your friends under the bus -- with their permission of course! -- is usually a win-win in lines if you do it right. I'll admit, I've done it three out of four times. Don't let your friends come over right away. Do the approach on your own -- it shows you're not a wussy, which of course I am, but the girls don't need to know that. Your friends should come over four to five minutes later, on their own, without your prompting. You're too interested in your new friends after all...

I hope my new approach helps other guys (and even girls) out there that have gotten so accustomed to the ease of "picking up" people online, that they're now terrified to do it in person. Have any tips for me on my next approach? Drop me a tweet at @adanzis.


  1. Okay, love this insight and appreciate the honesty. I am always fascinated by guys that can be so ballsy online and then you see them and they have nothing to say to your face. Love that you are practicing the pick up skills, cause I think like any other skill...guys can definitely get rusty if they don't get to flex that muscle.

  2. Alan, that was great advice! As a woman, I’d love to get one of your free beers! And do you know what I’d do after you had the bartender slide one over? Well, first I’d smile back at you, giving you the confidence you needed to mosey on down. Then I’d clear a space for you to sit next to me, real close. Who knows, I may even tell my girlfriends to go home, so we could enjoy this time together. I’d look deep into your eyes, run my hands through your sandy blonde hair and then crack that free beer over your fucking head for being the world’s biggest sack sandwich. Sending a “free” beer over to a girl? You cheap fuck. How is that impressive? It’s like saying, “look at me and my 6 fucking dollars, I bet you can’t wait to see what else is in my Velcro wallet!!!” And the worst part of your plan has to be when your loser friends “join” the mix. I mean, what the fuck is that? “Hey, in case you think I’m a serial killer, you’re wrong, I have friends, and look, here they come, walking dick and ass towards the booth.”

  3. Anonymous your tone of frustration captures my feelings about the male species at times, but I would rather get a $6 beer than the 2 cents of most guys that strike up conversation with me when I am out.

    I've always said my fave pick up line is "what are you drinking?"

  4. my favorite pickup line is "haaaave you met ted?" as the infamous Barney Stinson (pictured above) always uses to be a great wingman to his best friend. I've actually had the line used on me once and being the huge how I met your mother fan that I am, I ate it right up. Sure, maybe it's not original but for me, it was a conversation starter.

    Alan, I'd also be flattered if a guy sent a beer or whatever I was already drinking over to me at a bar. I'd at least give him the opportunity to follow through and come talk to me, see if we hit it off.

  5. Wow Anonymous, that was some rant. Give me a moment please while I allow your womanly charm to set in. Did your pocket rocket run out of batteries last night? I suppose if Alan were to send over a much more expensive drink, rather than the $6 dollar bottle of domestic beer loaded with carbs that would go straight to your thighs (which are probably ample as it is), you would gladly sidle up along side of him and give him the "privilege" of chatting you up. What's amazing to me is that it's typically the least attractive girls that are less receptive and appreciative of nice gestures. Fellas try holding the door open for an ugly woman sometime. See if you get a thank you. I guess they're too busy being angry over how busted they are to display any type of social etiquette.

    Now I admit that plenty of guys have horrendous timing when it comes to approaching women. But that said, you could just as easily refuse the drink, or do one of a million other things to express your disinterest in talking to someone that don't involve being a bitch. Coping a shitty attitude only illustrates why guys like Alan are less likely to talk to women. The same women who endlessly complain that no guys approach them. I suppose it's because you are too pretty and therefore intimidating to guys... That's SARCASM if you were wondering.

    Alan, not a bad approach, but a word to the wise. If a girl is interested you don't need a segway like a drink to get you going. Focus on eye contact and body language. If she flashes a smile more often then not she'll gladly let you come over and talk to her. Use a drink after the initial conversation has gotten underway.


  6. Wow. Amazing comments. Thanks for being so interested in the post everyone. And VV, thanks for your comments. I definitely have noticed since I've been doing this that I'm picking up on more eye contact and body language than I had before.

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  8. You all make my world go round. What does the VV stand for?

    As a woman I think its important to let guys down gently in bar scenarios. I think its bad karma to destroy them publicly and ruin their self esteem for the next gal.

  9. Sorry for my scathing remarks Jewels, but Alan strikes me as a fairly nice guy who's only crime appears to be his desire to meet women and get laid. Don't think he deserves a Rodney King style digital ass whopping for that.

    The VV are my initials. I am a long time reader and frequent commenter on your blog. It seems that it's exploded in popularity recently so I included my initials to differentiate myself.

    Bro-Month... Love it.

    And "Hot Mess" I am a "How I Met Your Mother" fanatic as well, so I was wondering if the "Naked Man" would work on you to? ;)

  10. VV I don't mind! Your points are always well taken and articulated in a hysterical and honest way. I only deleted that last comment because I had a typo! I actually think I spelled publicly pubically...HA! HOw is that for a Freudian slip? I need alcohol. Now.

  11. I'm a little late to the party, but I have to say that no guy should be chastized for a well-meant gesture. If a lady is unimpressed with a free beer, she'll probably be unimpressed with a lot - and you don't really want to be dating her. Just my 2 cents. :) - BL

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