Most people that have met me more than a few times refuse to believe me when I tell them I'm a really shy person. Sure, I did musicals as a kid (yes, I admit, I have copies of them all). I do new business all the time. And I go on a lot of online dates. None of those things scare me--after the first ten seconds of course (I'm only human). I didn't go on my first date until I was quite a bit older than most people--don't worry, I was still in my teens. I also didn't have a girlfriend until much later either. It was because I was really afraid to approach girls--like deathly afraid. And I still am.
Online dating is easy. I didn't have it back then. But clearly, we all do now. You blindly email someone who looks cute. If she responds, awesome. If not, who cares. You completely forgot she existed anyway, because there's like 100 more for you to email...
Approaching a girl in a bar is different. You WILL remember that rejection. It'll fade over time--most will--but in that moment, you're still terrified of it.So this year, I did a New Year's resolution. Here's the rules:
If I am in a bar...
And I'm not on a date...
And I see a group of at least two girls...
Without any guys around them that might be boyfriends...
I must approach them at least one potential scenario a night--so after I've met my obligation, I don't have to "play" the rest of the night if I don't want to. Since New Year's Day, I've "played" my resolution four times. I'm not going to go into the particulars of how I did, or even if I've gone out on actual dates with any of the girls, but here's what I learned: all of the conversations lasted at least ten minutes. Whether they stopped because I got bored or they did--that's irrelevant. Clearly, people do want to talk to other people in a bar if they're just there with one or two friends.
Having a line helps, but it doesn't have to be an original one. On my second approach, which took place on New Year's day night, I spotted three girls at a bar, sitting down, while I was out with a few of my friends. They seemed pretty into their conversation, so I didn't feel comfortable just going up and talking to the one I liked. So, I called the bartender over, and sent down one beer to JUST the girl I liked. When she got it, and the bartender told her it was from me, she smiled and I smiled back. I waited about three minutes before I walked down to talk to her. My line? "I was going to come over sooner, but honestly, my friends all had terrible lines for me to use." Throwing your friends under the bus -- with their permission of course! -- is usually a win-win in lines if you do it right. I'll admit, I've done it three out of four times. Don't let your friends come over right away. Do the approach on your own -- it shows you're not a wussy, which of course I am, but the girls don't need to know that. Your friends should come over four to five minutes later, on their own, without your prompting. You're too interested in your new friends after all...I hope my new approach helps other guys (and even girls) out there that have gotten so accustomed to the ease of "picking up" people online, that they're now terrified to do it in person. Have any tips for me on my next approach? Drop me a tweet at @adanzis.