Monday, June 6, 2011

He Gives Bad Text

Technology continues to fill in the gaps in our sex lives and relationships. In fact, the rate feels like it's accelerating. Last week I was struck with horror at Cloud Girlfriends, a service that lets guys create fake girlfriends on Facebook. But just when I was starting to think that even the virtual dating world exists through a male lens, I discovered Text Boyfriend a site that lets the ladies fulfill their Techromance fantasies with 3 texts a week from a digital BF. Their website exclaims that for just $1.99 a week women can get "Just the perfect amount of sweetness -- no overtexting, no drama. He's fun and cute and he's all about you!"

Freaking hilarious and actually insightful, especially given the sad state of text messages that get sent to women these days. To see just how low a guy will go when it comes to texting, I asked the sassiest bloggodessses out there to share some of the worst text messages they have ever received.

"hi, i am busy this evening dear. maybe tomorrow you can come over and ride me."
"I am expecting to get yelled at so just text me. I won't pick up if you call. I called you a bitch cause you were being one."

"So wt u bin up too?"
"Heyy miss hws lyfe treatn u?"
"When kan we fuck"

"Too bad you don't like dirty pics, would show you how hard I am."
"Come over. lol."

Some of the gems I have received:
"leaving work soon, pour a glass of wine so it's ready for me"
"F-that she went back to Hoboken, be home soon" (a mistaken text I received from a guy after I took a cab back to Hoboken after our date)

All I can say is these guys give bad text! Although Text Boyfriend might not be a substitute for a real man at least he serves to remind us of the good things that should come. PS: Just realized if you remove the words Text Boyfriend from that sentence I could be talking about a vibrator.


  1. Hahaha, hilarious. I luv dem msgs lk ths.

  2. You're hilarious. Thank you for this.

  3. Ya know how they say misery loves company? While in the kindest way possible...the textdiculousness? the total textardation? the complete texsanity? of these texts here...make me feel so much better about my life. If babes like you 4 are getting the same quality of digital correspondence as me...I must be not so bad off. Hurrah! In other news...boys are still idiotics...*fingers crossed* for a change in the weather soon ;)

  4. I live for you people!

    Unfortunately this sh*t does exist! SSDated you need to trademark textardation. NOW!!!

  5. What you’re missing here is while you and probably most of the readers of your blog don’t respond well to texts like “When kan we fuck” there are a plethora of girls out there that do and may have responded with “be over in 10, get hard for me”. So, until those girls cease to exist unfortunately you all will continue to see the spillover of bad (good?) texts.

  6. Jewels you know how much I love your blog, but it seems that lately it's taken a turn towards complete synicism about guys. Now I am willing to chalk it up to perhaps you having seen the movie "Easy A" one too many times. Which is hard for me to fault you for since it is incredibly witty, and they have been showing it all this month on premium cable. But whether it's douchie text messages, or cloud girlfriends, I have to somewhat agree with anonymous. For every asshole guy out there, I assure you there is a girl who is completely wacked out of her mind. Allow me to demonstrate. This is a video a girl posted as a bio on E-Harmony. Enjoy.


  7. VV -- this cannot be for realz? Wow, this might need an official post on the blog for discussion. She's actually kind of cute. Perhaps she forgot to take her medication?

    As for the last few posts, I assure you I love me, but lately it seems that something is in the ether and I have just been hearing the craziest stories so I had to share. You have to admit that guys initiate the majority of cookoo bananas texts. I feel like girls can be equally crazy, but its generally in response to something that has entered their inbox.

    Oh and good call on the movie Easy A, Penn Badgley never looked hotter and the homage to Can't Buy Me Love at the end warms my techromance soul.

  8. Freaking hilarious and actually insightful, especially given the sad state of text messages that get sent to women these days

    Yes, but...why are these women giving these men their numbers in the first place? And what are these women saying to these men to make them think that texts like this are appropriate? These guys weren't rendered unintelligible overnight, nor did they become secret "pervs." They were always like this. If you want higher quality texts, give your number to higher quality guys. Don't be so desperate for attention or blog fodder that you give it out to just anyone.