Thursday, July 7, 2011

Reading Between the Lines of a Breakup Email

Reading between the lines of a breakup can be difficult and confusing. Reading between the lines of a breakup email can be painfully clear. Why you ask? Because unlike a live breakup, when you get dumped over email you can pour over every word like it's evidence from an episode of the Killing, forward to friends for "unbiased" advice--and my personal favorite--delete in from your main email account, but not before forwarding it to a secondary email account for safe keeping.

The funny thing about breakup emails is that in an attempt to create less drama they often create more. At their worst they can become a self indulgent rambling that makes the dumper feel like they have "closure" while the dumpee feels like they just got dumped and ran over with emotional vomit at the same time, which can happen after a relationship. But is all this drama necessary after just 3 dates? The answer is yes, according to an OK Cupid breakup email that surfaced on Gawker today. Long story short, a guy and girl went out a handful of times and to end things the guy sent this Gettysburg Address of an email giving a blow by blow of what was flawed about their dynamic. Check out my "read between the lines" interpretation in orange and judge for yourself.




10 comments:

  1. Wow, wow, wow! This is one of those times when I feel like we are all doomed! In this case the fade would have been preferred. What a psycho.
    We don't click and here are all the reasons it's your fault. I hope this guy gets what's coming to him.

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  2. that is way too much effort after 3 dates... just stop calling!!!

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  3. Thanks for the comments guys. I totally agree. This email is complete emotional vomit. I would rather someone fall off the face of the earth then send me this load of cra*p.

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  4. OH MAN. also, #7, AWESOME.and yes, totally agree @Jewels.

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  5. Rachel, I was just ROFL! Well said. Chelsea, nice to meet you my sista!

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  6. There's one of two possible scenarios here as I see it. This is either a guy who is delusional and needs to check himself into Mt. Sinai for close evaluation, or has heard one too many bad break-up stories and thinks he's doing this girl a favor by being candid and giving her some definitive closure. Based on the subtext of the letter I am assuming it's the latter. In principle I agree with never leaving someone hanging. You don't offer a girl money for a cab right after you've slept with her as though you're Charlie Sheen, but you also don't drag out something that should be relatively straight forward. A brief phone call explaining how the two of you don't seem to mesh particularly well will typically suffice. This guy has without a doubt re-defined the "casual" brush off. I guess he thinks he's the new modern day sensitive man who's conscientious and considerate of his partner's feelings. I'd love to explain to him that in certain instances it pays (for both you and her) to be a typical male who's self absorbed and emotionless.

    VV

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  7. OK, this break-up letter would FOR SURE send me to therapy. And I thought I was in pain when a guy stopped calling (temporarily) and I found myself rocking back and forth to Taylor Swift songs. The rocking back and forth was wine induced BTW.

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  8. What. A. Douche.
    Is this what you youngsters have to put up with these days? [shaking head disapprovingly and waving cane.]

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  9. You all crack me up! Thanks for the comments. VV, I agree that in this case it would be better if this guy disappeared like a box of Franzia in a sorority house. Perhaps he missed his appointment with his therapist this week.

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