E-motional Rescue

Today GOOD magazine wrote a post about Emotional Bag Check, a website that allows you to dump your baggage digitally while enabling a stranger to pick it up--and pick you up--by DJing you an appropriate song. Obviously fascinated, I sent a stranger Dirt off Your Shoulder by JayZ when I picked up his baggage about trying to shake a creepy ex. 

The site seems to be catching on and notes on the home page that it is secretly a music site and is currently powered by Grooveshark. Noticeably missing from the list are some of my favorite feel better songs: I Feel It All (Feist), You Got the Love (Florence & the Machine) and Emotional Rescue (Rolling Stones). What ones would you add?

Reading Between the Lines of a Breakup Email

Reading between the lines of a breakup can be difficult and confusing. Reading between the lines of a breakup email can be painfully clear. Why you ask? Because unlike a live breakup, when you get dumped over email you can pour over every word like it's evidence from an episode of the Killing, forward to friends for "unbiased" advice--and my personal favorite--delete in from your main email account, but not before forwarding it to a secondary email account for safe keeping.

The funny thing about breakup emails is that in an attempt to create less drama they often create more. At their worst they can become a self indulgent rambling that makes the dumper feel like they have "closure" while the dumpee feels like they just got dumped and ran over with emotional vomit at the same time, which can happen after a relationship. But is all this drama necessary after just 3 dates? The answer is yes, according to an OK Cupid breakup email that surfaced on Gawker today. Long story short, a guy and girl went out a handful of times and to end things the guy sent this Gettysburg Address of an email giving a blow by blow of what was flawed about their dynamic. Check out my "read between the lines" interpretation in orange and judge for yourself.

A Life on Facebook

At its worst life on Facebook can feel like you are competing for "ratings" in a reality show that you have constructed to represent your life. At its best it can be the most accurate account of our existence.

Supporting the latter is an amazing video edited to "Paint it Black" chronicling a man's life listed as Alex Droner. Between logging on to Facebook for the very first time to the final day he "logs off" -- he cycles through almost every romanTECH rite of passage: the first relationship status change, the first time he was tagged an incriminating photo, his first break up and eventually uploaded photos from his wedding and family life.




Although this account is poignant and pretty amazing, is following someone's Facebook stream really an accurate portrayal of their life? My first inclination was no, with the obvious arguement behind it, we are more than the content we share through our social media channels. But after further examination and scrutinizing the streams of my network (including my own newsfeed) I changed my answer.

Here's why: it's not only relationship declarations and vacation photos that reveal the stories of our lives--sometimes you need to read between the status updates. Recently I observed the newsfeed of a friend I've known for years but hadn't talked to directly. She was sharing quotes on personal strength and the path to happiness, when I clicked on her photos, results from a phenomenal weight loss were revealed. Another example: I looked through photo albums of a guy friend and could see a girl I never met in and out of his pictures for the past 24 months. Starting on his arm at a wedding in 2009, dropping out of photos for a while, reappearing on a trip to Europe, dropping out again and than surfacing in an album from this New Years Eve. My read between the status assement? It's complicated, although people only use that button as a joke these days.

IM Over This Relationship

In one of the most infamous episodes of Sex and the City, Carrie gets dumped on a post it from Jack Berger. And in one of the most realistic plot lines from the entire series, she goes bat shit crazy. But honestly, who could blame her? If the medium is the message, then his was loud and clear: this relationship means so little to me I will end it on the same sheet of paper I use to jot down my grocery list.

Though I haven't seen this exact scenario play out, I have heard both sexes freak out when they are dumped abruptly over text, email or instant messenger. They usually assume that the person is an a$$hole who doesn't care about them, a p*ssy who is scared of them or so immature that they didn't understand the gravity of the relationship.

While I totally understand their frustration, I have to say that some of the most civil break-ups happen electronically and some of the most unceremonious happen face to face. How do I know? Because they have happened to me. After making plans once to have a guy I was seeing over to cook dinner and watch a movie, he showed up with biscotti and to breakup--he never wanted kids so thought we should stop seeing each other. In shock over his out of the blue bomb, all I could mutter was "but aren't you a Big Brother, that's weird if you don't like kids." We stood in awkwardness as I wondered if he would leave or take the dessert as he deserted my apartment. I haven't spoken with him since.

On the opposite end of the spectrum was a completely "e"-volved break up that I had over IM. He told me he felt like I wasn't making an effort to see him. I said I thought we were growing apart. He said he saw my point and asked if we could still be Facebook friends. I agreed, and we still are to this day. My bottom line: there is NO good way to break up, but know matter what, I'd rather it be over in an Instant.

Unfriend Finder: Track which ex has eX'ed you

Facebook is usually a friendly place, that is until you realize you have been defriended. According to a study from University of Colorado that was published on CNET and in the New York Times the top reasons people get defriended include 1.) Updating their status with frequent and "unimportant" content and material 2.) Discussing politics and religion 3.) Posting inappropriate, crude or racists comments. Although these reasons seem relatively legit I was shocked that defriending exes didn't top the lists of reasons to break ties with someone online.
I myself was a victim about two years ago when a guy I used to date defriended me as my newsfeed filled up with photos and updates that included the new man in my life. I had no idea it even happened until I got a friend request from him this year and realized that I was actually being refriended. Luckily now, for those of us that want to keep track of our online frenemies, Unfriend Finder has launched--a Facebook App that let's you monitor the ups and downs of your online relationships.

Although this app is kind of a riot, I would go as far to say that defriending probably has more effect on the person initiating it than the one recieving it. Isn't the act really an exercise in passive aggressive behavior, that allows scorned lovers to salvage a sense of control by "eXing" you out of their lives? Afterall, what could be more empowering than giving your ex a virtual F you--especially if they won't notice it for a year and a half?

Facing Up to Your Break Up On (Facebook)

Break ups are a bitch. From reclaiming your box of miscellaneous items from an ex's apartment to having to sample the white bean hummus alone at Trader Joe's -- it can be depressing. Add Facebook into the mix and it can be downright humiliating.

Unlike deleting a phone number in your cell phone, Facebook deletes and defriends are permanent. Plus you have an added audience of 500+ "friends" watching your newsfeed so word of your break up will travel faster than an STD moving from Pauly D to Angelina to the Situation.

Today a friend of mine filled me in on her recent break up and asked me to lend some "techs"pertise from my own dating disasters. Let me know if anyone has anything else to add!

1. Now that you are single, wait to mingle. Okay well wait at least 48 hours. Throwing single up too quickly can make you look desperate. If you need to act immediately the most dignified approach is to hide your status and then change it to single in a few days.

2. Bury your past. You can't untag yourself out of your own life, but if you were in a relationship for more than 6 months in your late twenties and early thirties you likely have photo albums with a minimum of: one vacation together, a birthday party at a dive bar in the east village and a destination wedding where you were forced to wear leis but couldn't wear shoes during the ceremony. Instead of deleting these albums take new photos that showcase your new single life. Make sure your new albums include fun titles like "Hollahween!" but nothing too obvious like "All the Single Ladies."

3. FB is for f*ck buddy. Enjoy the new ASSets of Facebook like Facebook Places and Friend Finder to get in touch with potential flames. Just don't start Fbook chatting someone you haven't talked to since an emotional over share in Peer Counseling your junior year of highschool.

4. Don't be a status seeker. Quoting Tori Amos or Death Cab for Cutie lyrics on your status updates is depressing. Step away from Lyrics.com and take a digital vacation from Fbook. This way you'll send the message that you have better things to do then obsess over Facebook (even if it isn't true).

A Hopeful Romantech

Why is it that we want our e-dentities to show the present but our identies have to bare the burden of our past?

I've had a recent break up. And it's very fresh. But over the past six months this sureal-ationship has not only taken over my life but it's taken over my Facebook newsfeed, shaped my photo albums and can explain why my blog posts have been more MIA than Paper Planes. I did expect that this would hurt. But I did not expect that it would give me a fear of facebook. A fear of seeing that person is now "listed as single" first and a fear of looking at pics labeled "into 09" as a memory versus part of my life.


The control freak in me wants to untag myself from the past 6 months and return to the days where my e-dentity was shaped by albums that read "San Funcisco" and "If it Ain't Hobroken Don't Fix It" -- but the truth is these photos and experiences have changed me and though they can technically be deleted they cannot truly be erased.

So bare with me as these photos remain fixed while that sad little broken heart pops up on my news feed and my status changes. Luckily, even though I have been on a blogging-sabbatical technology continues to evolve and with it so does romance. New mediums provide new possibilities and remind me that our newest "tweet"hearts could be just 140 characters away. So don't you worry, no matter what has happened I remain a hopeful romanTECH.

How Technology Showed Me He Was Wrong For Me

When it comes to technological comunication with your SI (SI=significant other) it is all about TLC and sometimes even TMI. To know you care how my "Mean Girls" presentation went or that I worked till six on my sick day is maybe the only thing that will make it better. To know you wish I was in your bed when I'm not or that you are taking a trip down "memory lane" delivers an intimacy that can trancend the medium that delivers it. Insert sarcasm/humor and IM (I am...ha) yours.

I recently dated a guy that did none of these things which made me realize it would never work. At first I rationalized that generic texts like "good morning," were a sign of his maturity and stability. Afterall he sent them every morning at 9:00 am. But when he started spitting back a dull response -- that usually went something like "busy day, I'll call you later" -- to my rather pithy emails I started to feel like I was dating an out of office message. And guess what, that's no fun. Keep in mind the same guy would take me to wonderful dinners, cook for me, send flowers, the works. But when we weren't together he just couldn't mind the romantic gap.

My boiled down advice to texting and typing suitors:

1. How you communicate when you aren't together is more important than how you communicate when you are together, because when you aren't you don't have the physical glue that makes its easy to feel close.
2. Technology is by nature a cool medium. HEAT it up.
3. No matter how busy you are at the very least stick an XO at the end of your correspondence

break ups , TMI , courting , generic text messaging

Where Relationships Go to Die

Technology can make break-ups a real bitch. Is there anything that burns more than the day your Facebook newsfeed informs you that your ex switched their relationship status to single? Why don't they just add a "heyyyyyyyyyyyy" application that means they are ready to troll someone in your social network. Then there are the daily reminders, knowing when they add new movies to their favorites....Who did he see Michael Clayton with anyway? And the dreaded day you find out they are are "now friends" with their significant other from college.

All of these touch points can make it hard to let go. Enter Dating Obituaries -- a site that I learned about from the thrillist -- where people can post relationship obituaries after break-ups. The girl who started the site was inspired after she broke up with her boyfriend and shortly thereafter had to return to her hometown for her father's funeral. Writing her father's obituary gave her a sense of closure that inspired her to draft a relationship obituary for her recent break-up and eventually create a site for others to contribute theirs. Most of the posts are straightforward, personifying the relationship complete with a cause of death such as "jealousy," "drugs" or "arrogance" while some are more poetic, capturing their romance in odd dada-like haiku. My favorite titled "Adolf and Josef" likens the couples' break-up to Hitler's invasion of Poland, "Adolf got greedy and invaded my half of the bed." Interestingly, the majority of the post-mortums seem to end in a burying of the hatchet, giving the author/victim an opportunity to RIP, at last.