IM Over This Relationship

In one of the most infamous episodes of Sex and the City, Carrie gets dumped on a post it from Jack Berger. And in one of the most realistic plot lines from the entire series, she goes bat shit crazy. But honestly, who could blame her? If the medium is the message, then his was loud and clear: this relationship means so little to me I will end it on the same sheet of paper I use to jot down my grocery list.

Though I haven't seen this exact scenario play out, I have heard both sexes freak out when they are dumped abruptly over text, email or instant messenger. They usually assume that the person is an a$$hole who doesn't care about them, a p*ssy who is scared of them or so immature that they didn't understand the gravity of the relationship.

While I totally understand their frustration, I have to say that some of the most civil break-ups happen electronically and some of the most unceremonious happen face to face. How do I know? Because they have happened to me. After making plans once to have a guy I was seeing over to cook dinner and watch a movie, he showed up with biscotti and to breakup--he never wanted kids so thought we should stop seeing each other. In shock over his out of the blue bomb, all I could mutter was "but aren't you a Big Brother, that's weird if you don't like kids." We stood in awkwardness as I wondered if he would leave or take the dessert as he deserted my apartment. I haven't spoken with him since.

On the opposite end of the spectrum was a completely "e"-volved break up that I had over IM. He told me he felt like I wasn't making an effort to see him. I said I thought we were growing apart. He said he saw my point and asked if we could still be Facebook friends. I agreed, and we still are to this day. My bottom line: there is NO good way to break up, but know matter what, I'd rather it be over in an Instant.

Memories Offline

This week I am leaving my day job after almost 8 great years! Among my most grueling tasks has been packing up my office after roughly 1800 days of work -- a number that makes 500 Days of Summer, look like a drop in the bucket.

Among the dried up markers and pay stubs was a paper trail of memories dating back to 2002. In each drawer and cabinet are relics that document the last 8 years of my life. Among the most valuable items were: a birthday card from a friend that has since passed away, a photo of me and Anna Nicole Smith from Fashion Week when she was promoting TrimSpa, an apology note from the first guy who broke my heart, a train pass from Montclair from when I couldn't afford NYC rent and a business card from a cutie I met the night my best friend came out to me on the roof of the Gansevoort Hotel.


Although I love tweets, texts, chats, BBMs, wall posts and FourSquare check-ins these communications are forever fleeting and can make the past seem to completely disappear from our newsfeeds, inboxes and eventually our lives. Just think of the birthday wishes we receive on our Facebook walls. After just a few days those heartfelt messages are buried beneath updates on where we ate lunch and what we think of that evenings' Dancing With the Stars performance. The lack of permanence creates an emphasis on the here and now with less thought left for the where we have been.

As we all continue to move as fast as a status update, I hope we do not become a world ridden with NOstalgia -- a place that is less humble, where people forget their history and are less thankful for the journey that took them to their final destination.

Right now my last 8 years barely fits into 6 large cardboard boxes -- and I hope in the next 8 years I only accumulate more baggage. Even if that makes packing up a total b*tch.

Invisible Relationships

Have you noticed lately that the term "seeing someone" is going out of style? I have. I feel like when I ask friends about budding relationships" So are you seeing each other?" The word "seeing" feels like an anachronism. My own answer when the script is flipped on me is "uh....what do you mean by seeing?" My friend Z used a good term recently when I asked her if she was dating a guy she met in "the Broken" aka Hoboken. She said "well, we're talking." Code for trading flirtatious emails and texts for up to a week in the pursuit of eventually meeting up to "see" if there are enough sparks to warrant an upgrade to unlimited texts for the month. Then realizing there are and trading texts/emails for another two weeks untill you decide to meet again.

To me these are invisble relationships. Defined as any relationship where more than 80% of the time you spend together is through texting, emails, Facebook and IM and the person lives within a 2 mile radius ( live calls don't count, they can be almost as panic inducing as a sober first date). That breaks down, in real world terms, to clocking about an hour of electro-comm per day but then only seeing the person once every two weeks for a block of about 2 1/2 hours-3 hours. Sound familiar? Please note: invisible relationships are not to be confused with booty calls. They are clearly more significant as your invisble suitor spends their daytime hours enjoying your company....over Instant Messenger and will even text you to "talk" about the lesbian drama on Iron Chef. It's almost like they are beside you on your couch, except you don't have to plea for them to hush until commercial breaks.

Some say its a more efficient mode of communication. Check out an excerpt from an IM conversation I had with my buddy Jay after he was ripping on me for enjoying songs like "Don't Go Chasing Waterfalls"...

Jay: you're all about "relationship music"
Jewels: i love 90s ballads...anything from the boomerang soundtrack is amazing, are we still friends?
Jay: not in public
Jewels: this is perfect for the blog topic I am working on, invisible relationships. ones that only exists via technology
Jay: ha, i've had relationships like that before. it's not so bad for awhile, especially if the other person is annoying
Jewels: valid then?
Jay: girls used to get mad at me since i only text (no phone), but more and more these days are fine with that
Jewels: is that a firm rule?
Jay: i've been text-only for probably 5 years now. i find the telephone an unsatisfactory medium, not as efficient as texting, not as robust as in-person
Jewels: do you date less traditional girls who would accept that?
Jay: nah, it just filters out girls who want to yap on the phone all the time and it allows me to compartmenatlize my quality time with them

So what is the net (besides the fact that Jay's declaration of being text-only sounds like a rehab program)? Seems like invisble relationships are more convenient physically and emotionally, allowing us to keep our mates at an arms length away. But I think it's also interesting to consider how invisible relationships can satisfy a need for longer term attachment. Afterall, "seeing" each other in the traditional sense also leads to no longer "seeing" each other. Maybe invisble relationships are ironically a way for us to keep people in our lives in a more prolonged or permanent way. I mean there is never a "need" to break-up; unless of course someone is passive aggresively "away from their computer" all day on AIM.

AIM , e-mail flirting , booty call

Think Outside the Inbox?

Sure I admit it that when my cell phone rings these days I sometimes confuse it with the door buzzard. Like many, I'm more comfortable with the da-ding of my text message alert, then the jingle of my cell phone ring. But to come out and say that you are actually bad at talking on the phone is pretty bold in my estimation. Perhaps some see a chic handicap in being so tech-dependent....In any event, you heard it here first: this week a friend of mine (let's call him Mick) recieved an e-mail from a girl he has been seeing on and off that literally stated, no joke:

"I suck at non-electronic communication. Sorry for not returning your call but I do want to see you. What's your IM? Let's figure something out."


When he forwarded this to me saying "looks like i'm only getting sex in second life..." I could sense how deflated he was. I tried to console advising that she was probably just nervous to get on the phone. Afterall, electronic communication (IM, email, texting, blackberrying, Facebooking) during the courting process allows us to be funnier, wittier and even sexier (has anyone else noticed texting has taken a more risque turn lately?...I'll leave that for another post). In some ways I liken the the dependence on "electronic courage" similar to the "liquid courage" prompted by a stiff cocktail as you wait nervously for a date to arrive. Both can free you of inhibitions, potentially making the communication more interesting, more bold and in many cases more honest. But I wouldn't brag about it.

I<3 Valentine's Day

Okay, I know that as a "single girl in the city" I'm well poised to hate on 2/14. Web site's like loveislame.com can make it seem almost-trendy to shrug off the Hershey kisses that "that girl" in your office will sprinkle on your desk. But I say don't drink the hater-ade. A wired V-day can make giving and getting love so easy that you won't spend a second of your precious day awaiting a 1.800.flowers delivery or develop a bad rep :) A funny e-card from a friend or a "heyyyyyyy sexy" wall post from your college crush, that just moved into town, may be enough to do the trick. Plus we can't deny that those frisky IMs from the rather reserved guy in your life can be interpreted as borderline adorable the week of V-day....if you're reading them correctly anyway.

Note to guys in relationships 2.0 (that means you're exclusive): we still <3 flowers. (Thanks to Diana for teaching me that trick at bowling last night, it will def come in handy tomorrow ;)

And how is this for a modern romance tale: A dear friend told me a story today about how his mother casually kept up with her highschool boyfriend -- a restauranter -- over e-mail for the past few years. One day out of boredom she decided to google (not stalk) him and read up on his different restaurants. Turns out his first restaurant was named Celsey's -- her maiden name. I don't know about you all, but that story makes me want to dial my highschool boyfriend's parents' line. Greg still lives there and I still remember their number by by heart as well as the digits for "his line," which I'm guessing (and hoping) is no longer connected. Wow, that talent seems archaic...memorizing landlines. Okay, hope you enjoyed this tale, but hope it doesn't drive you to do anything too crazy tomorrow. XOXO