TechBromance: Why Don't We Sext Anymore?

Did you ever look over at your significant other and say "why don't we sext anymore?" Even if you're not there yet, Nando's prolific tips will be a good reminder that even though your status may be "in a relationship" it's still important to poke each other once in a while. Check him out.

Posted by Nando




For more spicy advice check out Nando's site Nandoism or go to Youtube and watch him get a butt facial.

His Story Revealed in His Computer History

It's common knowledge that jumping into the history of your significant other's dating life can be dangerous. But do we ever think about jumping into the history left on their computer?

The other day one of my close girlfriends emailed me a link to a funny article about our college sorority Pi Phi. Apparently our sisters at the Cornell chapter leaked their rush handbook, warning members about muffin tops and reminding them that only Tory Burch flats were acceptable. Anyway before I even had the chance to laugh about it she followed up with a phone call. I was prepped to read the manual with her line by line reliving our own sorority rush nightmares but instead she had panic in her voice. Apparently she was using her boyfriend's computer and when she went to paste the article link into the body of the email a link posted to "College Girls Getting It." The scariest part was that she almost forwarded it because at first glance it kind of looked like the headline about the Cornell Pi Phis.


Apparently not only does her BF look at college girls having unrealistic sex (who does that in college?), but he was passing it on to friends. As she proceeded to his actual web history a wide variety of fetishes and shameful sites were revealed. As she told me the tale I googled stats on "normal guys who watch porn" to calm her down while thinking to myself this guys is a complete idiot. That was until I logged on to my netbook (which I frequently share with my BF) and in the history was a direct link to his ex's "Halloweird" Facebook photos that I was trolling. FML.

A Little Bit RomanTECH: Q&A with Hannah Seligson

I had the pleasure of chatting with Hannah Seligson, author of A Little Bit Married: How to know when it’s time to walk down the aisle or out the door, which just hit shelves January 15th. Below is our Q&A, an explanation of the title and the reason why she won't be friends with her boyfriend on Facebook...

1. What does “A Little Bit Married” mean?"
After college my boyfriend broke up with me and it felt more like a divorce than a break up. Our lives were so intertwined, between family relationships and all the time we spent together it felt like way more than just a relationship, we were "a little bit married." Then I started looking around at my twenty something friends and realized that there was a trend I was starting to see: the unmarried long-term relationship. Right now in the U.S. 23 million adults are in long term unmarried relationships and 12 million unmarried couples live together.

2. So it's a handbook for people living in sin :)?
Being A Little Bit Married is a rite of passage for people today not a substitute for marriage. The book is a guide for navigating this space and knowing when it’s time to walk down the aisle or out the door.

3. How do you think technology has changed dating and relationships?
My grandparents went on five dates before they were married, now five dates is the time when you become Facebook friends. Clearly, a lot has changed. Today, the period before you get married tends to be much, much longer.

4. BTW, are you "a little bit married?"
I am. It's funny, even though we live together, we aren't friends on Facebook. I think it’s a little icky and voyeuristic to watch each other's newsfeeds every day. I think it can make you paranoid, you know like if you see that your significant other has their hand on someone else's shoulder. In short, so much can be misinterpreted.

5. So are you anti-techromance?
No, not at all! One of my good friends met a guy on Facebook and I think they'll probably wind up getting married.

6. What is your best advice for singles looking for a relationship today?
The speed of technology makes things move so fast but relationships aren't so instant. Take your time and get to know each other, it’s not like we have to get married when we're 22 anymore...

Read excerpts from "A Little Bit Married" on Hannah's blog or buy it on Amazon.com.

A Hopeful Romantech

Why is it that we want our e-dentities to show the present but our identies have to bare the burden of our past?

I've had a recent break up. And it's very fresh. But over the past six months this sureal-ationship has not only taken over my life but it's taken over my Facebook newsfeed, shaped my photo albums and can explain why my blog posts have been more MIA than Paper Planes. I did expect that this would hurt. But I did not expect that it would give me a fear of facebook. A fear of seeing that person is now "listed as single" first and a fear of looking at pics labeled "into 09" as a memory versus part of my life.


The control freak in me wants to untag myself from the past 6 months and return to the days where my e-dentity was shaped by albums that read "San Funcisco" and "If it Ain't Hobroken Don't Fix It" -- but the truth is these photos and experiences have changed me and though they can technically be deleted they cannot truly be erased.

So bare with me as these photos remain fixed while that sad little broken heart pops up on my news feed and my status changes. Luckily, even though I have been on a blogging-sabbatical technology continues to evolve and with it so does romance. New mediums provide new possibilities and remind me that our newest "tweet"hearts could be just 140 characters away. So don't you worry, no matter what has happened I remain a hopeful romanTECH.

Relationship Status: It Sure Is Complicated

Posting your relationship status on Facebook is actually pretty complicated. Even though I'm technically single I've always opted out of the selection, in hopes of creating more intrigue on my romanTECH endeavours. I recognize my blog has blew up my spot there...

But enough about my issues, let me tell a more interesting romanTECH tale of two friends: After a long-winded courtship where this lovely lady was forced to police her romeo, she finally locked it up on Halloween weekend with a HOT cop costume. That weekend he became a prisoner of her love and asked her to be his official girlfriend. The catch? He did it via Facebook status, simply changing his to read: "In a Relationship." Could anything be more romanTECH than digital sky-writing blasted across his newsfeed??? Well maybe if he hyperlinked to her....



But these strategies can also backfire. Another friend recently took the plunge updating their status to: "In a relationship," which induced a slew of comments on his wall from "this should last as long as your interest in Bikram Yoga" to the blatant "HAHAHAHAHAHA, when will these people learn?" You'll be surprised to know his relationship and status are still in tact. Seems like his other half does in fact believe people can change. Their status anyway.

But what I really wonder is if changing status is a purely romanTECH gesture? Or is it a self-inflicted digital cock-block really meant to ensure other romanTECH interests don't tempt us? Kind of like an anorexic dumping salt all over their food so they don't eat it. Okay that's not a pretty metaphor, but I bet you get it.

Are You Trying to Network or Date Me?

Technology allows us to create networks and relationships faster then we can say "Wanna Be My Facebook" friend, but is this good news or bad news for our romanTECH connections? Once upon a time a guy used to get a girl's number because he wanted to date her. But now he may follow up for a variety of obnoxious reasons including career advancement..."do you have a contact at Wired magazine" or worst case scenario: she has a hot friend.



This morning I talked to a co-worker and had a bit of an A-ha-ha moment: our ability to network is adding a barrier to understanding our "suitors" intentions. How many gals have met a guy of interest at a party or bar and left frustrated at the lack of digits requested, only to be greeted by a Facebook request from them 48 hours later. These signals can be confusing. Are you trying to find your cousin an internship or eventually get into my pants?

My co-worker "L" told me a highly entertaining story about a group-texting tale that illustrates the phenomenon of "net-working-it." "L" was at a party with a girlfriend where they both met the same guy through a group of friends and both, unknowingly, gave him their digits. Interestingly L didn't feel any romance, but obliged because honestly its more awkward to say no. During the post-mortum discussion with her girlfriend L mentioned the text she received: "hey it was great to meet you last night" which was met with a chuckle when her girlfriend revealed identical "text" on her RAZR from the same guy. They both laughed at this loser-08 who was so obviously working the room for leads it was like he was at a career fair. And appropriately his follow-up was as impersonal as a cut and pasted interview thank-you with the wrong name in the heading.

Having fallen prey to this oddd phenomenon of blurred dating and networking tactics I have one message to dudes: like us for the important stuff, like because we're hot.

No, I Won't Read Your Blog If We're Dating...

Thank you all for your concern! After my last post I got messages ranging from "A word of advice... Don't tell him about your blog. No guy wants his romantic entanglements used as fodder for random strangers" to "Don't be stupid," and I loved them all. But it was too late. During an email trail, I had sent said dude, I included a link to the blog and joked that he may wind up on it, which he eventually did. When I arrived to meet him at East Side Company (which I highly recommend), he was waiting outside on the phone. Great, I thought, I bet he'll also be checking the score of the Yankees game from under the table. But when we walked inside he revealed that the phone call was to his friend to catch up on my blog post from the day before, which surprise surprise, featured him. He laughed and told me told me he liked the entry. His eagerness was dare I say endearing. And "object of my a(tech)tion" is dare I say funnier written than said out loud. Hearing the words actually spoken made me want to down my cocktail faster than I could say Singapore Sling.

In any event the whole scenario got me thinking about dating and blogging. Is it like letting the person your seeing read your diary? What if they don't like what they read? But what if -- even worse -- they never even crack it open. I talked to one of my guy friends who dated a girl for more than a year who had a blog. He told me that he refused to read it. I -- automatically impressed with a chick who was blogging almost two years ago -- jumped to her defense and grilled him about his refusal. He told me that he didn't want to read about their relationship and that if he read all the other stuff they wouldn't have anything to discuss when they hung out. In one way it sounded like he was respecting her privacy in another it sounded like he was ignoring her. If your dating someone who won't read your blog are they going to want to hear what you have to say about your relationship or be there to listen to the important stuff, like when a bridesmaid dress doesn't fit?

In the days where we are all in constant contact via "OMGs" and bar addresses, but no one is really saying much, I welcome any form of communication that doesn't include all caps. And if your significant other doesn't want to read it then maybe the real writing is on the wall.

Invisible Relationships

Have you noticed lately that the term "seeing someone" is going out of style? I have. I feel like when I ask friends about budding relationships" So are you seeing each other?" The word "seeing" feels like an anachronism. My own answer when the script is flipped on me is "uh....what do you mean by seeing?" My friend Z used a good term recently when I asked her if she was dating a guy she met in "the Broken" aka Hoboken. She said "well, we're talking." Code for trading flirtatious emails and texts for up to a week in the pursuit of eventually meeting up to "see" if there are enough sparks to warrant an upgrade to unlimited texts for the month. Then realizing there are and trading texts/emails for another two weeks untill you decide to meet again.

To me these are invisble relationships. Defined as any relationship where more than 80% of the time you spend together is through texting, emails, Facebook and IM and the person lives within a 2 mile radius ( live calls don't count, they can be almost as panic inducing as a sober first date). That breaks down, in real world terms, to clocking about an hour of electro-comm per day but then only seeing the person once every two weeks for a block of about 2 1/2 hours-3 hours. Sound familiar? Please note: invisible relationships are not to be confused with booty calls. They are clearly more significant as your invisble suitor spends their daytime hours enjoying your company....over Instant Messenger and will even text you to "talk" about the lesbian drama on Iron Chef. It's almost like they are beside you on your couch, except you don't have to plea for them to hush until commercial breaks.

Some say its a more efficient mode of communication. Check out an excerpt from an IM conversation I had with my buddy Jay after he was ripping on me for enjoying songs like "Don't Go Chasing Waterfalls"...

Jay: you're all about "relationship music"
Jewels: i love 90s ballads...anything from the boomerang soundtrack is amazing, are we still friends?
Jay: not in public
Jewels: this is perfect for the blog topic I am working on, invisible relationships. ones that only exists via technology
Jay: ha, i've had relationships like that before. it's not so bad for awhile, especially if the other person is annoying
Jewels: valid then?
Jay: girls used to get mad at me since i only text (no phone), but more and more these days are fine with that
Jewels: is that a firm rule?
Jay: i've been text-only for probably 5 years now. i find the telephone an unsatisfactory medium, not as efficient as texting, not as robust as in-person
Jewels: do you date less traditional girls who would accept that?
Jay: nah, it just filters out girls who want to yap on the phone all the time and it allows me to compartmenatlize my quality time with them

So what is the net (besides the fact that Jay's declaration of being text-only sounds like a rehab program)? Seems like invisble relationships are more convenient physically and emotionally, allowing us to keep our mates at an arms length away. But I think it's also interesting to consider how invisible relationships can satisfy a need for longer term attachment. Afterall, "seeing" each other in the traditional sense also leads to no longer "seeing" each other. Maybe invisble relationships are ironically a way for us to keep people in our lives in a more prolonged or permanent way. I mean there is never a "need" to break-up; unless of course someone is passive aggresively "away from their computer" all day on AIM.

AIM , e-mail flirting , booty call

Where Relationships Go to Die

Technology can make break-ups a real bitch. Is there anything that burns more than the day your Facebook newsfeed informs you that your ex switched their relationship status to single? Why don't they just add a "heyyyyyyyyyyyy" application that means they are ready to troll someone in your social network. Then there are the daily reminders, knowing when they add new movies to their favorites....Who did he see Michael Clayton with anyway? And the dreaded day you find out they are are "now friends" with their significant other from college.

All of these touch points can make it hard to let go. Enter Dating Obituaries -- a site that I learned about from the thrillist -- where people can post relationship obituaries after break-ups. The girl who started the site was inspired after she broke up with her boyfriend and shortly thereafter had to return to her hometown for her father's funeral. Writing her father's obituary gave her a sense of closure that inspired her to draft a relationship obituary for her recent break-up and eventually create a site for others to contribute theirs. Most of the posts are straightforward, personifying the relationship complete with a cause of death such as "jealousy," "drugs" or "arrogance" while some are more poetic, capturing their romance in odd dada-like haiku. My favorite titled "Adolf and Josef" likens the couples' break-up to Hitler's invasion of Poland, "Adolf got greedy and invaded my half of the bed." Interestingly, the majority of the post-mortums seem to end in a burying of the hatchet, giving the author/victim an opportunity to RIP, at last.

I<3 Valentine's Day

Okay, I know that as a "single girl in the city" I'm well poised to hate on 2/14. Web site's like loveislame.com can make it seem almost-trendy to shrug off the Hershey kisses that "that girl" in your office will sprinkle on your desk. But I say don't drink the hater-ade. A wired V-day can make giving and getting love so easy that you won't spend a second of your precious day awaiting a 1.800.flowers delivery or develop a bad rep :) A funny e-card from a friend or a "heyyyyyyy sexy" wall post from your college crush, that just moved into town, may be enough to do the trick. Plus we can't deny that those frisky IMs from the rather reserved guy in your life can be interpreted as borderline adorable the week of V-day....if you're reading them correctly anyway.

Note to guys in relationships 2.0 (that means you're exclusive): we still <3 flowers. (Thanks to Diana for teaching me that trick at bowling last night, it will def come in handy tomorrow ;)

And how is this for a modern romance tale: A dear friend told me a story today about how his mother casually kept up with her highschool boyfriend -- a restauranter -- over e-mail for the past few years. One day out of boredom she decided to google (not stalk) him and read up on his different restaurants. Turns out his first restaurant was named Celsey's -- her maiden name. I don't know about you all, but that story makes me want to dial my highschool boyfriend's parents' line. Greg still lives there and I still remember their number by by heart as well as the digits for "his line," which I'm guessing (and hoping) is no longer connected. Wow, that talent seems archaic...memorizing landlines. Okay, hope you enjoyed this tale, but hope it doesn't drive you to do anything too crazy tomorrow. XOXO